Assalamu aleikum readers,
The bride and groom should not neglect the following:
When He made the marriage act between Hadrat Fatima and Hadrat Ali, our beloved Prophet stated that:
(O Ali! When you take your bride to your house, remove her socks from her feet. Wash her feet. Scatter that water to all corners of the house. By doing this, Allah-u teâlâ will remove 70 kinds of poverty from your house, incorporate 70 kinds of “barakah” (prosperity) to your house, and descend 70 “rahmat” (blessings) to you. Together with the bride and her favors, they will reach all corners of the house. Thus, the bride will be secured from insanity and other types of illnesses.) (Manaqib)
La nuit de noce or the wedding night is a very important night for a Muslim couple. It sets the stone or tone for the many nights, days, weeks, months, and years to come for the future couple insha Allah. How do the new couple prepare for this night? By doing research of course. They can also achieve this goal by asking their family members. However, this subject is becoming tabou day after day in our community. Even if the parents want to talk about it, the children become very uncomfortable or vice-versa. This is due to the fact that no sex education was instilled in the children from the get-go (when they hit puberty). I may be generalizing but my opinion is true the majority of the time. The groom should talk to a man he trusts to get some advice on this upcoming night.
Assuming that the correct Sunnah procedure was followed to arrive at the consent of the groom and bride, approval of parents, and then nikah; what do our virgin newlyweds need to do on this special night to assure success? Well, there is an etiquette to follow for this nuptial night.
First of all, the newlyweds need to be clean. It all starts with cleanliness because it is the foundation and a sign of a successful night. Both parties must be wearing clean and comfortable clothes. Then, the nuptial room must be isolated from nosy individuals to give the new married some privacy. The place for the nuptial night must also be selected in advance. Try not to make it a last minute arrangement. Preparation is the key.
The groom and the bride need to be open ears to each others. They need to be nice, sweet, and loving to each other to dissipate any tension or awkwardness in the room. It is plus to genuinely compliment each other. The couple should avoid little and silly quarrels or backbiting for that matter. Furthermore, the groom should not be vulgar or pounce on the bride right away. He must pace himself with her because she is a delicate flower and must be treated as such. It is her right to be treated gently. Both parties must try to participate in the act to make it more enjoyable for themselves.
Moreover, the newlyweds should be emotionally, mentally and psychologically prepared for this night by fostering good feelings toward each other. Once the mind is prepared, everything else comes naturally. This detail should be taken into consideration and not be ignored for a successful first encounter between the new couple.
On the other hand, with all the preparations for the wedding day, the first night can be just non-sexual for others. Once reason is tiredness. The newlyweds may be exhausted from the day they had with the ceremonies that they just fall asleep as soon as they left together. Neither party should despair because this is quite normal and can happen and as a lot of benefits. Better performance on another day where they are fresh.
The first night can also be a time of excitement for the new couple after several months to years of waiting for that special day under supervised meetings or chaperoned meetings. The groom has to do to relax the atmosphere is to smile and be courteous to his bride. The bride on the other hand needs to return his greetings and congratulate or butter him up 😉 .
It is also Sunnah for the groom to pray two nafila (surregatory) rakats and wash the feet of his bride in a bucket of water. Then, he should spray the room with the water for barakah (benedictions) on their new house before discarding the remainder of the water.
Before the act takes places, the groom should try to notice the coyness and timidity of his bride, if any. If she is, the groom has to take it slow and make her comfortable. A conversation is a great way to loosen her up. In addition, he should not force her into showing her whole self to him. He should dim or turn off the light if that makes her more comfortable. He should caress her gently to put her in a mood or gently corrupt her senses. Being nice, playing nice, touching her with delicacy is the key to her heart. If she is properly aroused and lubricated by your touch, you won’t hurt her. She will enjoy it as much as you. So, keep that in mind. Also keep in mind that her lips, especially the kissing of her lower lip is an erogenous zone. Other ones include her tongue, her breasts, her nipples, and her clitoris; the summit of her vagina. Caressing her skin works too. She has many erogenous places. You just have to be adventurous with her and gentle, always gentle.
That said, if the first night is a disaster, it is also quite normal. Therefore, the newlyweds should give it another try and not beat themselves over it. Perfection comes with practice and patience the majority of the time.
Mr. Groom, if you experience an orgasm as soon as you come into contact with your new wife, don’t despair. It happened to many men before you and will happen to many after you. Just have faith and try it again. Ms. Bride, please comfort him when this happens. He needs your support. You can try half an hour later or another day if that’s best for you guys. Please understand that we all have performance issues every now and then.
On the other hand, if the first contact is successful, you should rejoice and be happy because it is a plus for your relationship. Pray to Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) that He showers you with a happy and successful marriage life in the future insha Allah.
Chances are you will never forget your failures and successes in the bedroom. They will live with you for life. You just have to live with these moments and give thanks.
There is a good jarring thing we should all know about our Prophet (sallallahu aleihi wassalam) and his wife Aisha (radihu anhu). She once said that she never saw his private parts and he never saw her private parts.
He also said that in a hadith sherif not to stare at a woman part but you can look.
Having said, the following link gives more details on their intimacy. Even though, they were chaste with their privies, they still shared baths together. I am left to wonder if they were not completely naked. By that I mean, a piece of rag to cover their intimate parts. You can draw your own conclusions. These are just my reckoning.
There were very pudic individuals in a good way. It says a lot about them and a lot about us. Of course, we can’t compare ourselves to them because there were on a different level faith than we are. We can just hope to aspire to be good Muslims like them insha Allah.
Going back on schedule. During that nuptial night, the groom should not be cocky and gloat about his virility. Neither should the bride brags about her physique. Modesty should be a great part of the act on this night and other night to follow. This doesn’t mean that the couple can’t have fun. It just mean that they should ‘play’ in moderation and within halal and chaste boundaries. Nowadays, halal has become relative to each individual Muslim. For instance, oral stimulation of each partner is considered halal for some Muslims while considered haram or makruh for others based on the fact that our oral orifice reads the Holy book. Not vouching for either point of view, I just have to say that there is a reason we do ghusl. Ghusl should remove any impurities that happened during the act.
I will repeat myself in this post like my sources did because like the French say, “La répétition est une vertu pédagogique.” This means that repeating and reminding people of the same thing is educational. You learn by hearing something over and over again. I got my job in the corporate world because my ‘annoying’ teacher so I thought kept saying this crazy sentence, “retained earnings is closed to net income.” I heard that “nonsense” for 18 months, semester after semester. If you brutally woke me up in the middle of the night, I could have recited that sentence to you. It was that crazy! But when it came time for an interview, I was in luck because I passed with flying colors. This happened because I was quizzed later on her ”stupid” saying 😛. The interview was perfect. The five-question quiz at the end was the key to get the job. Life works in mysterious ways 😉 but then again when Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) has decreed something for you, it is yours and noone else! Enough digressing.
In setting the stone for the ‘game of love’, la nuie de noces is very important. A skilled and well-researched man will copiously excite his new wife by playing and taking his time with her;shy woman or not. She will loosen up and start enjoying herself if she is properly stimulated by her partner. Once again, the groom should avoid any vulgarity toward his wife and be gentle. There are too many testimonials on sisters not being satisfied on their first night and successive nights because there were pounced on or attacked brutally by their husbands. This is sad and should be remediated to. However, it is hard to do so because our society has grown to make these subjects tabou. There is a difference between the sharing of bedroom secrets and education of people on bedroom secrets with taste and class.
So, the groom penetration is ideal if she is wet or lubricated. However, in case of friction during the penetration, a lubricant such as vaseline can be used to facilitate the contact. The tear-up of the hymen by the penis once inside will often cause some bleeding and discomfort to the bride. Just keep caressing her to ease her pain and calm her nerves as she may be tense during this phase. Some virgins will bleed and some will not. Don’t be alarmed if your bride doesn’t bleed. Support her and please, please, please give her the benefit of the doubt. Some women bleed during their first night and some don’t due to other circumstances (horse-back riding, fall, genetic, etc).
You can go again for another round if you are up to it or you can wait another day if the bride is feeling too much irritation. A tip for the bride; laying on your back and bringing you knees up or your legs up can stop the bleeding.
Besides a quick ejaculation, there are other factors that can be an obstacle to the first nuptial night. For example, menstruation, temporary impotence from the male, and shyness from the female. If these cases happen, it is totally normal to be understanding and report the night to another. There is no rule that says that you MUST consummate the marriage the first night.
Now, with all the advices to the newlyweds, there are certain things that we should stay clear of in our Ummah; it is the folklore. It is not Sunnah for the family members to guard the door where the first nuptial night will occur. They need some privacy and family members should not be there because it will impede the new couple to have fun or play freely. They may be worried that someone will hear their sexual escapades or ‘sex-capades’. They could even be embarrassed the next day because if you are enjoying yourself, at one point you can’t suppress yourself anymore and you let it out in the manner than be heard by many. That is why in the beginning, my post says that the place picked must be secure and isolated from curious and eavesdroppers.
It is also not Sunnah to grab the bed sheets with the blood of the bride and make a social display of for everyone to know and see. Please respect their privacy. Finally, don’t push the newlyweds to give you details on their night. They shouldn’t share such details with you anyways according to the Sunnah. Just be content with their answer if they tell you it went well.
Newlyweds, if you need advice you can ask, but don’t over-share or spill the beans (don’t tell anything you must guard with your honor).
Parents, friends, newlyweds, etc, do not start false rumors about the new couple about the first night. It is certainly not in your best interest for the akhiret.
The groom has to do everything in his power to give an orgasm to his bride. He must be patient and see to her needs first before his. A woman shouldn’t be an object to satisfy only one’s needs. If she is not satisfied, she will always cling unto you, and it create infidelity or unhappiness issues down the road. She is not your sex object, and he is not your sex object either. Respect each other’s body and don’t be horny balls around the clock. You need to rest because too much of anything is not good!
I also need to address something else. After the act, a woman wants attention and cajolery. Don’t deny her that because intimacy is more emotional to her than physical. Try not to sleep right away after it. Try to treat her like the queen she wants to be in your arms. It will help shape your spiritual and love relationship better.
Women, if he doesn’t do it, communication is the key. Make him understand that you need that five minutes moment of joy with him. He is not made of stones, he will get it insha’Allah. If you mold him like you want in a good way of course, don’t forget to implore your Maker to help you in the task. He is our Master and He doesn’t default on us if we call for his help.
A romantic environment also plays a major role in the ‘game of love’. It is another thing that can make or break the moment. Don’t take that lightly.
Another tip is about premature ejaculation. The bride/woman/wife can help her groom/man/husband avoid premature ejaculation by working with him. As a leader, if you know you are about to come without your wife coming first, stop moving and ask your wife to do the same thing. When the impulse passes, you can start your movements again until she climaxes and then you can follow her. Women, make sure you see him come too before loosing interest in the act after you are satisfied. Don’t be selfish either, see him through. It is only fair.
Finally, do some research on halal positions you can explore with her in the bedroom. DO NOT cross the sodomy line please. It is a serious offense and we know because the scriptures are clear on that. Having said, I will not discriminate someone because he or she likes the same sex. I will just make sure that in my own life, I live by the Islamic code I believe in insha’Allah.
Jazak’Allah Khair for reading,
Author of “Mistress of the Spices” , “The Hazardous Life of Nilüfer”, and “Oblivion”.
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Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2014-2016
Sources : Ailevekadin.com and MyreligionIslam.com