Miss Hayati is a new BellaNaija Style series that explores the mysterious and the seemingly impenetrable world of young West African Muslim women. Headlined by four alternating writers: Fatima Togbe, Papatia Feauxzar, Maryam Salam and Ismath Lauriano, the goal is to inspire young Muslim women to build personal power and live fulfilling lives within their personally defined religious limits.
Bringing up past arguments during a disagreement is not unhealthy. We have to understand why this occurs; the underlying issues and not the specifics brought up during the current argument. If your spouse always accuses you of a certain behaviour, it doesn’t mean that your spouse is unforgiving or won’t get past your shortcomings. What your spouse’s accusations actually show is the lack of security your actions have caused your partner to endure and lash out. Perhaps your spouse is complaining because you don’t show enough compassion, jumps to conclusions, don’t show any sign of vulnerability, and the list goes on and on. Naturally, humans marry because they beseech a strong sense of security whether it be by love, social status, faith or financially. So check out a list of things you shouldn’t do when the past is re-thatched in your marital fights.
Don’t argue the accusations
When your spouse grossly starts throwing up accusations heated out of boiling emotions, stay calm and listen to what your spouse isn’t saying. For instance, your spouse said, “You never take me out to eat or don’t kiss me anymore.” You perhaps
immediately thought, “That’s not true, I kissed you goodbye this morning and just last week we ate out.” What your partner perhaps truly meant was, “You aren’t romantic anymore. Your moves are more robotic and out of habit rather than having thoughts and meaning like during our honeymoon phase for instance.” Sure some facts will be utterly misstated but that’s what emotions make people do, exaggerate things.
Listen and Ponder
Just for a moment, take the time to listen and understand why your partner feels the way they feel. Be patient even it kills you inside to gaze into their mind and see the way they see the full picture. It’s rewarding when your partners allow themselves to be vulnerable with you. You must understand that they let you gaze deep into their souls and revealed really personal and intimate thoughts to you that you should value. Why? Because they have totally unveiled themselves to you without reserve and you should be grateful. I mean on a daily basis, we have no idea what our spouses think unless they speak their mind. A free ride into your spouse’s mind is a rare trip one should never pass on! If you act accordingly upon such a generous offer, they will trust you
more. They will also come to rely on you a little more and stop bringing up the past because you would have both grown and understood why you had disagreed in the past and strive to avoid making the same mistakes that caused these arguments going forward.
Don’t Be a Sore Loser
Yes, it felt like pulling teeth to not argue and let your spouse whine on and on and on. Congratulations for being the bigger person and actually listening and making concessions to be better even if you both need work. Also, say it. Yes, say it that you
understood where your spouse’s insecurities stemmed from and why your spouse kept bringing old issues up. In short, the real issue wasn’t properly discussed and resolved. Now, don’t hold a grudge after your therapy session is over because you felt bamboozled or compelled to listen to your half when you had no room to argue your stance. You will have your time to be heard. You can do it after your spouse is done talking by requesting the floor the same way you yielded it without interrupting.
Above all, bringing up past arguments if we really listen to the complaints fosters the beginning of a new era of peace and understanding in a marriage. If you believe your spouse is guilty of always bringing up old arguments, try to be emotionally intelligent with your partner like we suggested in this article and tune out the old details brought up which are truly a distraction. Let us know in the comments what happened when you changed your attitude. Good luck!
Connect with Papatia Feauxzar on Instagram @fofkys